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Rindu

Ada yang tergerus pada yang dibilang hati, menelungkup sanubari, kelu. terbawa angin sendu, terhanyut hujan, biru. berpeluk pada satu ingatan, haru. jatuh dalam bayang kala itu. metamorfosa tak selamanya berlaku. beginikah rasanya jika temu, hanya berujung rindu? Tasikmalaya, 20-12-2015  Aisyah.
Recent posts

dear you

im doing better better than i was ever i talked it out that i wont like being in this cycle anymore however i do love the person so much still  now i feel i can stop somehow, to protect us so we are trying here and there until now that we have the formula this is okay for now i hope  this is the best deal that we can have at the moment until we both pass it and survive it and get back to the beauty of the friendship lets fighting

where am i?

hello blog im still in it. i know it is annoying and disgusting. but i keep trying thou. it is getting better and better. I dont feel like im really into it anymore thou. I dont know what people might think of me if they know how bad i am as a person sometimes. But we do mistakes, dont we? I really wanna live in peace. but i guess the time will come soon. Counting the days now, i guess. Then maybe I can be free. hahah or maybe im going to be broken once again. Losing is really hard. However i dont wanna live in this forever. I want my happiness, my truest one. I want to be my old self again.  Once again. People will always judge, wont they? BUT I DONT CARE.  I wish my feeling has been fixed since then and now, but it doesnt really do much progress. But i can handle it better now. I get used to it now. Hopefully everything gets better for me.  God, please protect me from the hurt. It is okay I have You, right? I love you God. 

Dad.

hello blog! been such another long time.  i lost my father last on Jan17th.  I never experienced something like that before.  Heartbreaking but it was more like genuinely letting him go.  cause I know he was suffering. and i know that he was ready.  Dad is the best man that I ever knew in my life. He has so many flaws yet i cant count on his kindness to me. I cant even repay him for all the things that he gave to me.  i wish he could stay longer with me and witnessing me be a good girl for him anyway we fought a lot the last 2 years, because i was getting more grownup.  and i felt like knowing things more than him sometimes.  yet we never really fought,  we are still so close to each other, as he joked around with me he checked on me all the time.  and he was really smart, my discuss partner.  my life saviour cause he was the one who always trusted me to travel to live my life like i want to be he was my best supporter he was my forever admirer, posting my pictures anywhere showing oth

masih

Kadang suka terpikir  kapan ya semua ini berakhir dengan bahagia.  patah hati yang sudah diketahui bertahun tahun lalu, akhirnya terjadi dan ketika diri ini masih berjuang hidup dan melawan rasa sakit   Tuhan kasih lagi rasa sakit lainnya yang luar biasa jauh lebih sakit Lalu Tuhan sertakan rasa sakit itu dengan ingatan-ingatan traumatis dengan seluruh tangis masa lalu yang kembali teringat lalu bersatu dengan air mata dan air keringat baru baru ini setiap hari berjuang menghadapi waktu yang tidak bisa dibeli membagi diri untuk sempurna semuanya sayangnya aku tidak bisa sambil tetap berfikir materi  tidak sempat menata diri dan hati Tuhan tidak izinkan aku berhenti sehari saja berpacu dengan waktu dan masa lalu masa kini terombang ambing tak menentu entah masa depan apa yang sedang Tuhan siapkan untukku masih berdoa dan berusaha percaya  bahwa kebahagiaan itu akan datang nanti dan ini semua akan terlewati perlahan tapi pasti dan aku masih bisa bernafas hari demi hari

aku, kamu, dia.

aku rasa,  yang paling berat itu adalah ketika hidupnya baik-baik saja tanpa kamu bahkan, mungkin lebih baik.. dia berusaha melupakan kamu, dengan bantuan orang-orang yang menyayangi dia sepenuh hati dia bisa begitu mudah tidak membutuhkanmu karena baginya, kamu hanyalah nomor dua dan selalu ada nomor satu untuknya.  sialnya, bagimu, dia adalah nomor satu dan mungkin satu-satunya yang pernah ada.  sehingga celaka lah hatimu, ketika dia tidak lagi ada disitu yang berat kedua adalah,  dia justru ingin menghapus kasih sayangnya padamu padahal rasa sayang dan disayang itu adalah hak semua orang dan rasa sayang itu tidak pernah salah, sama sekali tidak salah.  karena kalau sayang harusnya jadi memberi kebaikan pada yang disayang, dan ketika rasa sayangnya dihilangkan, maka kebaikannya juga ikut berhenti padahal itu yang membuat kamu dan dia bisa bertahan selama ini kebaikan-kebaikannya, rasa pedulinya, dan rasa sayangnya. dan kamu sungguh tidak pernah meminta lebih dari itu sebetulnya dan k

im so tired.

 i am not doing fine i am trying to be fine but life has not been easy or nice to me lately i miss my best friend and it seems they wont come to me so often i am home but my closest one does not welcome me most i am ignored and unrespected i hate myself even more lately i am left by my first love i miss him but he cant see me the same i love the wrong person and i hate the fact that people that i love most are the ones who hurt me most i want to find my happiness i distract myself with everything but it is still the same.  the pain the heartbroken and i hate that i cant be with someone i like someone who loves me the most a person who sacrifices a lot for me why God let us be separate, when i know he can be the best person to me the kindest above all person i know but why is it so hard for us to be together.. i dont know if there is still another chance i dont know what kind of happiness which await for me in the future i hope there will be at least one happiness for me please god.. im

Moving On

Some people may say, loving someone is very easy. it is smooth and happy. it is butterflies everywhere. But no one ever taught us about heartbroken. Or about being forgotten or left, or about having unrequited love or forbidden love. No one ever told you that it could be really killing you. It could leave a big scar in your heart. You cant do anything about love, once you already fell for it, it sticks on you like ever. And yes, when it is unrequited or forbidden or cut, it could kill you slowly and the pain sometimes is unbearable.  However, now that I understand the feeling, yet i still try to heal from it. I do understand that it is not the love that we blame. It is us and our egos that we need to blame. And people had fun and happiness at the moments they were in love. Sometimes we just believe that we deserve every good things that we want. But actually, we just cant have everything. There are some lines that we cant cross. There are some limitations that we might not understand