entah kenapa  dia juga bertahan hanya untuk keuntungannya semata mungkin dia pikir aku tidak tahu atau tidak mengerti aku mengerti hanya saja hatiku masih tidak bisa menolak buatnya, mungkin aku hanya permainan atau pemuas dahaga sementara tapi buatku, dia obat  dan cinta tapi buat apa? semua tidak ada ujungnya yang ada hanya sakit dan ujung yang tidak jelas aku tahu, harusnya aku berhenti tapi kali ini aku tidak menangis aku tidak sedih aku tau aku mencintai yang satu namun mungkin aku harus berhenti karena dia tidak pernah memilihku

 in the mood of, i will find a way to be happy for you and your love. 

 kalau bukan dia,  tolong jangan dibuat jatuh cinta yaAllah

i start writing again, this part of me has been gone for too long. Yet, i dont wanna stop. I am just gonna write whatever crosses my mind right now.  As per today, I did a morning run a bit with a very slow pace, but im so happy. I beat my ownself to not stay in bed and wake up at 12 on Sunday. You know what's funny? I remembered how he told me to run with him and say that we could increase my running pace together. LOL.  Know i realized, it was just probably a dream for now. Idk when I will meet the guy like that who can possibly help me improving myself and let me be the best version of myself. I can not realy on anyone at the moment. So I wake up and practice harder just to prove myself that I can do it with or without him or anyone. Well maybe i still need a PT or a coach, but not a person that I could adore and love while running myself out.  God im really tired. But maybe God wants to test me longer.. 

I have been in a very long time not having experienced a goosebumps reading someone's texts for so long, except from one person that I dont even dare to think about. But this past week was different. There was spark reading these text messages from that person, from him whom I knew randomly, oh yes a stranger enters my life.  I know it is weird and too good to be true. Yet I was excited to see how this one goes and on. I was expecting a lot, not denying it. He answered all the questions exactly like i wanted to hear, and he was like my mirror in many ways. We were both excited, I knew it and I did feel it.  But it was all too good to be true, when two strangers meet and then collide as one in just one moment.  I hope I could choose to accept and continue what we already have... but this feeling lost its sparks once those two pairs of eyes met, and when conversation is on. It is just I am asking to God, why does He test me with something like this.  How could it possi...

 ive been thinking a lot about something that always makes me heal and forget about my problems: TRAVELING hahhaha or you can say GOING FOR TRIPS i love traveling so much and now im distracting my mind by watching travel vlogs i love that i really have a lot of places and countries that i want to go to,  but i dont have enough money yet so im craving to have another side hustle so that i can gain more money to travel, and yes im working on that now.  also im thinking which countries should i travel this year.  ive been thing of new zealand or Europe trip i think i wanna do the second option Europe trip, by myself or with a good company even better,  and im gonna spend a month cause i will have my long annual leaves this year. i wish i could have company by then, so i will have someone to come home to. or even better, someone to go with..

honestly i have been spending my last 5 years waiting for nothing hoping for something that i wont ever have i have been the most idiotic fool of a person can be now i have realized, i wasted those years expecting something that is not meant to be with me today i change my perspective, my time is running out now i can not waste another year for nothing not for the same person not for the same stupid feeling and for those happiness that actually never existed i should regain my strength and move forward.