i start writing again, this part of me has been gone for too long. Yet, i dont wanna stop. I am just gonna write whatever crosses my mind right now.  As per today, I did a morning run a bit with a very slow pace, but im so happy. I beat my ownself to not stay in bed and wake up at 12 on Sunday. You know what's funny? I remembered how he told me to run with him and say that we could increase my running pace together. LOL.  Know i realized, it was just probably a dream for now. Idk when I will meet the guy like that who can possibly help me improving myself and let me be the best version of myself. I can not realy on anyone at the moment. So I wake up and practice harder just to prove myself that I can do it with or without him or anyone. Well maybe i still need a PT or a coach, but not a person that I could adore and love while running myself out.  God im really tired. But maybe God wants to test me longer.. 

I have been in a very long time not having experienced a goosebumps reading someone's texts for so long, except from one person that I dont even dare to think about. But this past week was different. There was spark reading these text messages from that person, from him whom I knew randomly, oh yes a stranger enters my life.  I know it is weird and too good to be true. Yet I was excited to see how this one goes and on. I was expecting a lot, not denying it. He answered all the questions exactly like i wanted to hear, and he was like my mirror in many ways. We were both excited, I knew it and I did feel it.  But it was all too good to be true, when two strangers meet and then collide as one in just one moment.  I hope I could choose to accept and continue what we already have... but this feeling lost its sparks once those two pairs of eyes met, and when conversation is on. It is just I am asking to God, why does He test me with something like this.  How could it possi...

 ive been thinking a lot about something that always makes me heal and forget about my problems: TRAVELING hahhaha or you can say GOING FOR TRIPS i love traveling so much and now im distracting my mind by watching travel vlogs i love that i really have a lot of places and countries that i want to go to,  but i dont have enough money yet so im craving to have another side hustle so that i can gain more money to travel, and yes im working on that now.  also im thinking which countries should i travel this year.  ive been thing of new zealand or Europe trip i think i wanna do the second option Europe trip, by myself or with a good company even better,  and im gonna spend a month cause i will have my long annual leaves this year. i wish i could have company by then, so i will have someone to come home to. or even better, someone to go with..

honestly i have been spending my last 5 years waiting for nothing hoping for something that i wont ever have i have been the most idiotic fool of a person can be now i have realized, i wasted those years expecting something that is not meant to be with me today i change my perspective, my time is running out now i can not waste another year for nothing not for the same person not for the same stupid feeling and for those happiness that actually never existed i should regain my strength and move forward. 

why do you always think about other people when they dont even remember your presence and why do you still love the same person when he even doesnt remember you ever existed God why do you give me this kind of feeling when all I want is just peace in my life will I be this miserable for the rest of my life longing for something i dont own loving for someone i dont get loved please dont let me suffer for the rest of my life, God I think I cant bear this any longer I promise I try harder and better please help me

 i always tell myself that everything is going to be okay but then i doubt it myself as well as i am not doing okay this life is too beautiful to be thrown away but also it is too cruel to be lived in sometimes

No one ever told me that life will be this challenging yet interesting at this age. My current age is always related to the talk of marriage, since i am not in it yet. So people will keep ask the same thing to me, whether i already have someone as my future husband or not, or when will i get married. Which both of these questions I cant answer nor predict the answers. I really miss my previous years of life when people didnt bother to ask me those questions.  At the age of 30, which im about to be 31 soon, nothing that I do is more interesting than my romantic life for others. They will focus on whom i am close with now, or how come I havent got married yet they will ignore all the stories or achievements i got. My mind is somehow absorbed in that thought, when is my time to get married? will I meet someone that will love me ? etc etc.  It is suffocating to be honest. I mean I wish they knew how interested I am in getting married. Nothing in this world that will make me happie...