i always tell myself that everything is going to be okay but then i doubt it myself as well as i am not doing okay this life is too beautiful to be thrown away but also it is too cruel to be lived in sometimes

No one ever told me that life will be this challenging yet interesting at this age. My current age is always related to the talk of marriage, since i am not in it yet. So people will keep ask the same thing to me, whether i already have someone as my future husband or not, or when will i get married. Which both of these questions I cant answer nor predict the answers. I really miss my previous years of life when people didnt bother to ask me those questions.  At the age of 30, which im about to be 31 soon, nothing that I do is more interesting than my romantic life for others. They will focus on whom i am close with now, or how come I havent got married yet they will ignore all the stories or achievements i got. My mind is somehow absorbed in that thought, when is my time to get married? will I meet someone that will love me ? etc etc.  It is suffocating to be honest. I mean I wish they knew how interested I am in getting married. Nothing in this world that will make me happier at the

the stomachache is always here everytime you cross my mind and the pain is real i wonder whether you miss me or even think about me cause i am every day is like a challenge for me to get up and not think about you to stop wondering what you are up to and not curious for your exciting life there i dont mean i want to know everything but i want you to say this just sometimes oh hey bestfriend,  my life has been good, how is yours? sometimes it is so hard to accept that i might no able to talk you freely again and for that thought, my heart races like i get an attack and then again the stomachache and the tears follow... but then i remember this is the best that we can have so i stop crying and try to breathe in and it happens repeatedly,  at least once in two days i think i just miss the talk so much. 

Dearest my best friend,  (oh can i still call you that? ) How is life doing there? I wish nothing but happiness and joy for you and your family. Today i opened my old laptop and found out some precious pictures from our old encounters. And I got surprised on how much I liked you back then that I did backup our texts from years ago. Silly me. Maybe I knew that this kind of time might come to us.  And I read those texts from years ago. They were silly conversations but I liked it. It was a genuine talk about work, work, and work hehehe. However from those texts, I can tell that you were looking out for me all the time, asking me whether I already arrived in the office or not, making sure that I was safely home at night. Back then, I had you as my backup in every meetings, tasks, and many more. Also, It was so funny reading how you used to call me 'kak'.  That friendship was very pure and beautiful and I love that.  You were once my little brother that I adored so much. Im sorry t

hello blog im still in it. i know it is annoying and disgusting. but i keep trying thou. it is getting better and better. I dont feel like im really into it anymore thou. I dont know what people might think of me if they know how bad i am as a person sometimes. But we do mistakes, dont we? I really wanna live in peace. but i guess the time will come soon. Counting the days now, i guess. Then maybe I can be free. hahah or maybe im going to be broken once again. Losing is really hard. However i dont wanna live in this forever. I want my happiness, my truest one. I want to be my old self again.  Once again. People will always judge, wont they? BUT I DONT CARE.  I wish my feeling has been fixed since then and now, but it doesnt really do much progress. But i can handle it better now. I get used to it now. Hopefully everything gets better for me.  God, please protect me from the hurt. It is okay I have You, right? I love you God. 

hello blog! been such another long time.  i lost my father last on Jan17th.  I never experienced something like that before.  Heartbreaking but it was more like genuinely letting him go.  cause I know he was suffering. and i know that he was ready.  Dad is the best man that I ever knew in my life. He has so many flaws yet i cant count on his kindness to me. I cant even repay him for all the things that he gave to me.  i wish he could stay longer with me and witnessing me be a good girl for him anyway we fought a lot the last 2 years, because i was getting more grownup.  and i felt like knowing things more than him sometimes.  yet we never really fought,  we are still so close to each other, as he joked around with me he checked on me all the time.  and he was really smart, my discuss partner.  my life saviour cause he was the one who always trusted me to travel to live my life like i want to be he was my best supporter he was my forever admirer, posting my pictures anywhere showing oth

Kadang suka terpikir  kapan ya semua ini berakhir dengan bahagia.  patah hati yang sudah diketahui bertahun tahun lalu, akhirnya terjadi dan ketika diri ini masih berjuang hidup dan melawan rasa sakit   Tuhan kasih lagi rasa sakit lainnya yang luar biasa jauh lebih sakit Lalu Tuhan sertakan rasa sakit itu dengan ingatan-ingatan traumatis dengan seluruh tangis masa lalu yang kembali teringat lalu bersatu dengan air mata dan air keringat baru baru ini setiap hari berjuang menghadapi waktu yang tidak bisa dibeli membagi diri untuk sempurna semuanya sayangnya aku tidak bisa sambil tetap berfikir materi  tidak sempat menata diri dan hati Tuhan tidak izinkan aku berhenti sehari saja berpacu dengan waktu dan masa lalu masa kini terombang ambing tak menentu entah masa depan apa yang sedang Tuhan siapkan untukku masih berdoa dan berusaha percaya  bahwa kebahagiaan itu akan datang nanti dan ini semua akan terlewati perlahan tapi pasti dan aku masih bisa bernafas hari demi hari