i start writing again, this part of me has been gone for too long. Yet, i dont wanna stop. I am just gonna write whatever crosses my mind right now.  As per today, I did a morning run a bit with a very slow pace, but im so happy. I beat my ownself to not stay in bed and wake up at 12 on Sunday. You know what's funny? I remembered how he told me to run with him and say that we could increase my running pace together. LOL.  Know i realized, it was just probably a dream for now. Idk when I will meet the guy like that who can possibly help me improving myself and let me be the best version of myself. I can not realy on anyone at the moment. So I wake up and practice harder just to prove myself that I can do it with or without him or anyone. Well maybe i still need a PT or a coach, but not a person that I could adore and love while running myself out.  God im really tired. But maybe God wants to test me longer.. 

I have been in a very long time not having experienced a goosebumps reading someone's texts for so long, except from one person that I dont even dare to think about. But this past week was different. There was spark reading these text messages from that person, from him whom I knew randomly, oh yes a stranger enters my life.  I know it is weird and too good to be true. Yet I was excited to see how this one goes and on. I was expecting a lot, not denying it. He answered all the questions exactly like i wanted to hear, and he was like my mirror in many ways. We were both excited, I knew it and I did feel it.  But it was all too good to be true, when two strangers meet and then collide as one in just one moment.  I hope I could choose to accept and continue what we already have... but this feeling lost its sparks once those two pairs of eyes met, and when conversation is on. It is just I am asking to God, why does He test me with something like this.  How could it possi...

No one ever told me that life will be this challenging yet interesting at this age. My current age is always related to the talk of marriage, since i am not in it yet. So people will keep ask the same thing to me, whether i already have someone as my future husband or not, or when will i get married. Which both of these questions I cant answer nor predict the answers. I really miss my previous years of life when people didnt bother to ask me those questions.  At the age of 30, which im about to be 31 soon, nothing that I do is more interesting than my romantic life for others. They will focus on whom i am close with now, or how come I havent got married yet they will ignore all the stories or achievements i got. My mind is somehow absorbed in that thought, when is my time to get married? will I meet someone that will love me ? etc etc.  It is suffocating to be honest. I mean I wish they knew how interested I am in getting married. Nothing in this world that will make me happie...

hello blog im still in it. i know it is annoying and disgusting. but i keep trying thou. it is getting better and better. I dont feel like im really into it anymore thou. I dont know what people might think of me if they know how bad i am as a person sometimes. But we do mistakes, dont we? I really wanna live in peace. but i guess the time will come soon. Counting the days now, i guess. Then maybe I can be free. hahah or maybe im going to be broken once again. Losing is really hard. However i dont wanna live in this forever. I want my happiness, my truest one. I want to be my old self again.  Once again. People will always judge, wont they? BUT I DONT CARE.  I wish my feeling has been fixed since then and now, but it doesnt really do much progress. But i can handle it better now. I get used to it now. Hopefully everything gets better for me.  God, please protect me from the hurt. It is okay I have You, right? I love you God. 

Kadang suka terpikir  kapan ya semua ini berakhir dengan bahagia.  patah hati yang sudah diketahui bertahun tahun lalu, akhirnya terjadi dan ketika diri ini masih berjuang hidup dan melawan rasa sakit   Tuhan kasih lagi rasa sakit lainnya yang luar biasa jauh lebih sakit Lalu Tuhan sertakan rasa sakit itu dengan ingatan-ingatan traumatis dengan seluruh tangis masa lalu yang kembali teringat lalu bersatu dengan air mata dan air keringat baru baru ini setiap hari berjuang menghadapi waktu yang tidak bisa dibeli membagi diri untuk sempurna semuanya sayangnya aku tidak bisa sambil tetap berfikir materi  tidak sempat menata diri dan hati Tuhan tidak izinkan aku berhenti sehari saja berpacu dengan waktu dan masa lalu masa kini terombang ambing tak menentu entah masa depan apa yang sedang Tuhan siapkan untukku masih berdoa dan berusaha percaya  bahwa kebahagiaan itu akan datang nanti dan ini semua akan terlewati perlahan tapi pasti dan aku masih bisa bernafas hari...

 i am not doing fine i am trying to be fine but life has not been easy or nice to me lately i miss my best friend and it seems they wont come to me so often i am home but my closest one does not welcome me most i am ignored and unrespected i hate myself even more lately i am left by my first love i miss him but he cant see me the same i love the wrong person and i hate the fact that people that i love most are the ones who hurt me most i want to find my happiness i distract myself with everything but it is still the same.  the pain the heartbroken and i hate that i cant be with someone i like someone who loves me the most a person who sacrifices a lot for me why God let us be separate, when i know he can be the best person to me the kindest above all person i know but why is it so hard for us to be together.. i dont know if there is still another chance i dont know what kind of happiness which await for me in the future i hope there will be at least one happiness for me please...

Kasih sayangmu membekas Redam kini sudah pijar istimewa Entah apa maksud dunia Tentang ujung cerita, kita tak bersama Semoga rindu ini menghilang Konon katanya waktu sembuhkan Akan adakah lagi yang sepertimu? (Tulus- Hati-hati di Jalan) ---------  terimakasih. aku hancur dan patah.  tapi semoga aku masih bisa mencinta yang sama menyayangi yang utuh dan dicintai sebaiknya lagi dihargai sepenuh hati.  tidak akan ada lagi yang sama atau mungkin kembali seperti semula tinggal hanya aku dan ribuan doa semoga kita dikuatkan. 

 hari ini aku nonton shihab-shihab tentang persahabatan. dan aku dapat banyak banget pelajaran dalam satu video ini yang somehow lagi pas banget dalam hidupku sekarang. bismillah semoga bisa diterapkan.  Source :  https://youtu.be/3jDtBfMENK4

It is okay. i tried my best. i never mean anything bad to anyone. and I did my very best for you people. I am kind, I pray for bad things to not happen. i know I tried. and I just love them very much. but I know it could be a mistake. and I know today may come, as i tried to fix things, the day when you leave me. leaving me with all the scars left in my heart, with all the pain that cant be healed, with the shame that cant be forgiven.  but I believe that Allah is forgiving. Allah is loving me as long as i tried to change. and as we always talked before, we will not regret for whatever things we did in the past. we will cherish it as our good memories because we never meant any harm to anyone. and we are grateful for the life that we have. And if you ever read this blog again, one day. you have to know that Im dying here. Losing hopes and good memories, losing my best and again, im dying. i wish i could just leave this world with no pain But i want to defend myself that I wasnt com...

I just realized that I really dont have anyone to lean on. I dont have anyone else, except Allah. He could flip my heart the seconds i felt sad or happy. He is the one where I can depend on, and no one else. When you feel like you are alone, actually He is never asleep. He is there. And now, I know, I should stop depending on people whom I love. I can love them, but I have to love them because of Him. And not, because i want them to love me back. Because I know, i would be disappointed if they dont love me the same. But I believe, Allah loves me unconditionally. No matter how far I went from Him before, He will welcome me back when I correct myself. And I believe that He is preparing many good things for me, as long as I do what Im told to do. I know, Im full of sins and so reckless, but I know Allah is so forgiving. And I can keep asking His uncountable bless. I am so afraid for all the things i had done, but it is also difficult to stop. But Allah keeps showing His love to me, and im...

 i dont remember the day but i remember after that, i am so happy i am surrounded by love and challenges at the same time i have a reason to stay strong and be happy because i wanna give my happiness to you but then i also remember that my life is not that simple anymore now that im afraid of losing someone loving you means i have to ready to let you go at any time and then ill be in miserable ,  all by myself. it is bitter sweet. but i always want you to know  that no matter how difficult it is,  or if we ended up breaking up our tied, just remember all the good things that ever happened between us they are irreplaceable.  and let the memories be our lights in every darkness that we would face and one day, lets meet again with smiley faces and greet each other happily

you know, looking at others having their own happiness, looking at my family and what they should have been trough, looking at myself and not growing better. it is just too much at one time. i become too sensitive about so many things, overthinking and get overwhelmed by my own. i feel like my responsibilities are higher and higher these days. and im not like you or my other friends. i have burdens and many responsibilities as well as expectations. and i had experienced unrequited and forbidden love. my life is pretty sad. but no one sees it through. im a breadwinner yet a liar, yeah that is me. i see myself as a bad person, who should be strong not for myself, but for people whom i love. sometimes i complain how much should i sacrifice myself and my happiness, but some other days i believe this is my happiness to make them happy, and what else should i not be grateful for. God gives me everything , i know. but God, why do you believe that i can hold these problems well? why did You ch...

im back. welcoming new year, 2022.  last year was tremendously amazing yet it was also full of mistakes and overthinking. Broken heart and insecurities attacked me a lot in 2021. However, the bless and good things never stopped cheering me up last year. I graduated from Uni, after a fab year in Manchester. I met so many good friends and travelled around UK, got so many happiness from it. And i did miss the good old days in 2021, when I was just sitting and chatting in my kitchen in George Kenyon Hall, with my hall mates. And then we were singing and cooking while laughing at our miserable life. The struggle to finish dissertation, to cope with the study, and to adjust with so many things, by my own. Something that I might not have the same experience again in the future. Last year, i learned a lot about myself, about my weakness and my strengths. About people who loves me no matter what happens. i found out that distance wont matter as long as you love the persons, you will always ...

 I'm drinking coffee sip by sip. listening to Korean music while watching my niece drawing sketches. what a quiet afternoon at home. and me, wondering what i should be wondering. exactly not having certain thoughts about anything. but you know confusion is part of me daily now. i wonder it is probably because I'm 28, have no prospected husband soon to be and get more pressures about getting married by friends, families, and social environment, haven't started working on my jobs and then kinda trying to figure out what my future will look like. which is naive if i said i didn't get influence by those. I was okay before. but since i have so many things going on in my mind, literally sometimes it is just me with a lot of issues and overthinking attacks, every night. i really need someone to help me cope with all the problems. but actually, happiness is not about how others help you to find one, you should be happy first, they say. I know I know, but how if it is just too h...

 Hey blog,  it has been a long time that I ignored you a bit. You know what, i started sharing my stories on another platform, Youtube. I wish I could share my stories more widely by doing this; giving more impactful stories, not just the cheesy mellow things. Anyways,  I have finished my study in Manchester. Honestly, I am even back in Jakarta now, doing my self-quarantine in a hotel and still try to adjust to the jetlag. But didn't really post anything on my Instagram, where my friends are most likely to see my updates. But I'll tell you the honest stories (and feelings) here, so see, you are still special for me, my dear blog.  These past three or four weeks were so hard for me. I have been through so many things. I have my dissertation due by the end of August, I had to manage to prepare my 'going home' stuffs, and deal with all the paperwork needed. Covid makes things harder to go home from abroad. Also, I need to manage my worries about how bad my father's hea...

jadi akhir akhir ini ku lagi bosen sama rutinitas, kayak lagi lelah aja gitu mau ngapa-ngapain. Padahal rutinitas yang ku punya sekarang itu adalah mimpi yang gue cita-citakan dari dulu : kuliah S2 di luar negeri. ehe. kok kayak gak bersyukur yah ? tapi bukan disitu poinnya, coba ya aku cerita sedikit.  Pada dasarnya, apapun yang kita kerjakan secara terus menerus bakalan tetep bikin bosen kok. Gak peduli seberapa cintanya kita sama hal tersebut. Kayak nih misalnya, kamu suka banget sama pacar kamu, tapi pasti ada satu titik kamu bosen jalan atau ngobrol sama dia. oke skip , cant relate ngomongin pacar..  buat aku, belajar itu menyenangkan banget. aku selalu suka belajar pada dasarnya. Apalagi kalau pelajarannya menarik dan bikin aku penasaran. cuma emang biasanya itu gak bertahan lama gitu sukanya, dan karena dikejar deadline dan pengen dapet nilai bagus, jadilah jadinya malah jenuh dan stresss. Terus ya ini lagi mikir banget gimana caranya ngurangin stres dan pelan pelan men...

 So here i am.  studying in the faculty building, i was with my friend. now she left already.  left me with a lot of works and a lot of thoughts. There are a lot of good things that I should think about and there are a lot of challenges that I need to sort out. Essays, mostly. Exams preparations moreover, holiday. and etc etc.  It is so hard when you keep thinking about it. Like this, won't finish and I won't ever get it done. But apparently, I remember the days that I didn't believe that I could be here. And now, here I am. In the greatest place which I always dreamed about, doing and living in my dreams that I thought I could ever reach it. So, sometimes I just need to take a breath and close my eyes. Seeing what I had been through before this. And open my eyes and say it loud to myself, I can do it.  I know I can do it. I know it better than anyone else. I just need to try more, struggle more, and pray more.  December 16, 2020 Manchester, Aisyah. 

Assalamualaikum , Hola Blog! So today, I am writing from a comfortable yet quite cold room in George Kenyon Hall, Manchester, England. hehe so excited! Dan yes, kali ini aku akan cerita bagaimana akhirnya aku bisa sampai ke sini.  Jadii sejak dulu, kalau gak salah 3 SMP atau 1 SMA, tahun 2008/2009, aku baca buku Laskar Pelangi dan Sang Pemimpi - Andrea Hirata, takjub ngeliat Ikal dan Arai bisa sampai ke Sorbonne, Prancis padahal mereka berasal dari keluarga yang tidak mampu dan dari pedalaman Belitong. Aku yang saat itu juga sedang berjuang sekolah dengan keadaan finansial pas pasan (well, aku bukan dari keluarga yang tidak mampu sama sekali, tapi juga bukan dari golongan menengah keatas dan ayahku berjuang hari ke hari untuk bisa menyekolahkan aku, kakak, dan adikku karena ayah bukanlah seorang pegawai tetap kantoran seperti bapak bapak pada umumnya. so we lived day by day), seperti mendapat pecutan motivasi untuk terus belajar dan tidak berhenti belajar. Dari buku-buku yang menur...

(source :  https://www.indonesiakaya.com/tokoh/detail/sapardi_djoko_damono ) Sapardi Djoko Damono, adalah seorang penyair pertama yang mencuri hatiku. Penyair yang mengajarkanku berpuisi dengan bahasa yang sederhana tapi makna yang luar biasa. Penyair yang mengajarkanku bercerita tanpa harus bermanis kata. Semuanya terasa sampai ke hati ketika membaca karya-karyanya. Dan hari ini aku kehilangan dia, dan dia akan berhenti berkarya selamanya.  Pagi ini aku baru sadar bahwa karyanya ternyata mempengaruhiku begitu dalam. Aku baru sadar bahwa aku bisa menangis karena seseorang yang bahkan tak pernah ku kenal secara personal. Tapi dari hari ini aku belajar, bahwa karya, entah puisi cerita atau apapun, bisa begitu mempengaruhi hidup seseorang. Dan karya karya Sapardi, mempengaruhi hidupku, selama ini.  Dari karyanya aku belajar, untuk berani menuliskan puisi puisi sederhana. Merangkaikan kata dengan diksi yang biasa menjadi arti yang bermacam rupa. Menceritakan kisa...

Holla! Been too lazy to write about covid19 and everything. Tapi ini kayaknya is a mus to write. Ku menulis tentang ini sambil berdoa, semoga akan segera ada hari hari dimana aku membaca tulisan ini sambil berkata, Alhamdulillah semuanya udah terlewati.  Jadi, tiga bulan terakhir ini adalah masa-masa yang super duper absurd dan somehow menyedihkan . Udah tiga bulan kurang lebih, aku dan keluarga di rumah aja. Bukan cuma keluargaku aja, tapi sebagian besar orang melakukan hal yang sama, bukan cuma di Indonesia, tapi hampir di seluruh dunia sedang mengalami hal yang sama, quarantine or lockdown or social distancing or physical distancing or any of those you name it. Dan ini semua karena an invisible virus, called coronavirus or Covid-19.  It is so heartbreaking. Karena adanya virus ini, yang pertama ditemukan di Wuhan, Cina, kita manusia berada dalam masa paling menyedihkan sepanjang sejarah kayaknya, menurut gue. Karena kita gabisa ketemu satu sama lain dalam jarak...