Life at 30

No one ever told me that life will be this challenging yet interesting at this age. My current age is always related to the talk of marriage, since i am not in it yet. So people will keep ask the same thing to me, whether i already have someone as my future husband or not, or when will i get married. Which both of these questions I cant answer nor predict the answers. I really miss my previous years of life when people didnt bother to ask me those questions. 

At the age of 30, which im about to be 31 soon, nothing that I do is more interesting than my romantic life for others. They will focus on whom i am close with now, or how come I havent got married yet they will ignore all the stories or achievements i got. My mind is somehow absorbed in that thought, when is my time to get married? will I meet someone that will love me ? etc etc. 

It is suffocating to be honest. I mean I wish they knew how interested I am in getting married. Nothing in this world that will make me happier at the moment than finding a man who will be my forever partner in everything. However, I am maybe still trapped in my past, still loving the same person or still having trust issue to let my guard down. I dont know! I dont know why I am still alone up until now. And if those people ask me, i just dont know the answer. Maybe it is because I still cant handle my lust and ego at the same time, still want to pursue higher dreams and many other possible reasons. But the most important thing is I havent found the one who can accept all my good and bad sides, and my family with its flaws. And if they say that Im too picky, no! 

please.. I am so tired with all those questions myself. And sometimes I get angry because I always hope for something that is not meant to be mine. All I know, I have tried my best every day, every second. And I pray to God all the time.. And I still hope for it....

I dont know when or how, but I am sure I will be able to handle all those faults and sins I am making, and keep myself getting better in every aspects. And then a guy will come to my life, filling all the gaps I have and help me connect to God better.

Finally, now a woman can only hope and pray.

So can you guys please just shut up and pray for me then?