im back. welcoming new year, 2022.  last year was tremendously amazing yet it was also full of mistakes and overthinking. Broken heart and insecurities attacked me a lot in 2021. However, the bless and good things never stopped cheering me up last year. I graduated from Uni, after a fab year in Manchester. I met so many good friends and travelled around UK, got so many happiness from it. And i did miss the good old days in 2021, when I was just sitting and chatting in my kitchen in George Kenyon Hall, with my hall mates. And then we were singing and cooking while laughing at our miserable life. The struggle to finish dissertation, to cope with the study, and to adjust with so many things, by my own. Something that I might not have the same experience again in the future. Last year, i learned a lot about myself, about my weakness and my strengths. About people who loves me no matter what happens. i found out that distance wont matter as long as you love the persons, you will always ...

 I'm drinking coffee sip by sip. listening to Korean music while watching my niece drawing sketches. what a quiet afternoon at home. and me, wondering what i should be wondering. exactly not having certain thoughts about anything. but you know confusion is part of me daily now. i wonder it is probably because I'm 28, have no prospected husband soon to be and get more pressures about getting married by friends, families, and social environment, haven't started working on my jobs and then kinda trying to figure out what my future will look like. which is naive if i said i didn't get influence by those. I was okay before. but since i have so many things going on in my mind, literally sometimes it is just me with a lot of issues and overthinking attacks, every night. i really need someone to help me cope with all the problems. but actually, happiness is not about how others help you to find one, you should be happy first, they say. I know I know, but how if it is just too h...

 i always try my best to everyone that i love  to people that matters a lot to me i show the love, the courage, and the sacrifices some people will appreciate it some others just got annoyed by it the rest just leave it like nothing happened, no response. and these kinds of people are whom i hate the most it is okay, you can tell me to stop you can tell me to continue but you cant take me for granted acting like you care and love me but then just hurt me in the end. nobody is too busy. and you know that. 

 Hey blog,  it has been a long time that I ignored you a bit. You know what, i started sharing my stories on another platform, Youtube. I wish I could share my stories more widely by doing this; giving more impactful stories, not just the cheesy mellow things. Anyways,  I have finished my study in Manchester. Honestly, I am even back in Jakarta now, doing my self-quarantine in a hotel and still try to adjust to the jetlag. But didn't really post anything on my Instagram, where my friends are most likely to see my updates. But I'll tell you the honest stories (and feelings) here, so see, you are still special for me, my dear blog.  These past three or four weeks were so hard for me. I have been through so many things. I have my dissertation due by the end of August, I had to manage to prepare my 'going home' stuffs, and deal with all the paperwork needed. Covid makes things harder to go home from abroad. Also, I need to manage my worries about how bad my father's hea...

jadi akhir akhir ini ku lagi bosen sama rutinitas, kayak lagi lelah aja gitu mau ngapa-ngapain. Padahal rutinitas yang ku punya sekarang itu adalah mimpi yang gue cita-citakan dari dulu : kuliah S2 di luar negeri. ehe. kok kayak gak bersyukur yah ? tapi bukan disitu poinnya, coba ya aku cerita sedikit.  Pada dasarnya, apapun yang kita kerjakan secara terus menerus bakalan tetep bikin bosen kok. Gak peduli seberapa cintanya kita sama hal tersebut. Kayak nih misalnya, kamu suka banget sama pacar kamu, tapi pasti ada satu titik kamu bosen jalan atau ngobrol sama dia. oke skip , cant relate ngomongin pacar..  buat aku, belajar itu menyenangkan banget. aku selalu suka belajar pada dasarnya. Apalagi kalau pelajarannya menarik dan bikin aku penasaran. cuma emang biasanya itu gak bertahan lama gitu sukanya, dan karena dikejar deadline dan pengen dapet nilai bagus, jadilah jadinya malah jenuh dan stresss. Terus ya ini lagi mikir banget gimana caranya ngurangin stres dan pelan pelan men...

you know.  sometimes im just too loving and caring for others but not for myself.  so often i put others' happiness beyond mine. i hurt myself without realizing it.   when i realize it, like today, it is just too late. ill never been missed cause i already lost myself.  but maybe one day they will regret these days when they were ignoring my texts not picking up my calls and not saying miss me back or maybe oneday, i am the one who regrets that I've been through these miserable days  but still loving them the same. 

 So here i am.  studying in the faculty building, i was with my friend. now she left already.  left me with a lot of works and a lot of thoughts. There are a lot of good things that I should think about and there are a lot of challenges that I need to sort out. Essays, mostly. Exams preparations moreover, holiday. and etc etc.  It is so hard when you keep thinking about it. Like this, won't finish and I won't ever get it done. But apparently, I remember the days that I didn't believe that I could be here. And now, here I am. In the greatest place which I always dreamed about, doing and living in my dreams that I thought I could ever reach it. So, sometimes I just need to take a breath and close my eyes. Seeing what I had been through before this. And open my eyes and say it loud to myself, I can do it.  I know I can do it. I know it better than anyone else. I just need to try more, struggle more, and pray more.  December 16, 2020 Manchester, Aisyah.