you know.  sometimes im just too loving and caring for others but not for myself.  so often i put others' happiness beyond mine. i hurt myself without realizing it.   when i realize it, like today, it is just too late. ill never been missed cause i already lost myself.  but maybe one day they will regret these days when they were ignoring my texts not picking up my calls and not saying miss me back or maybe oneday, i am the one who regrets that I've been through these miserable days  but still loving them the same. 

 So here i am.  studying in the faculty building, i was with my friend. now she left already.  left me with a lot of works and a lot of thoughts. There are a lot of good things that I should think about and there are a lot of challenges that I need to sort out. Essays, mostly. Exams preparations moreover, holiday. and etc etc.  It is so hard when you keep thinking about it. Like this, won't finish and I won't ever get it done. But apparently, I remember the days that I didn't believe that I could be here. And now, here I am. In the greatest place which I always dreamed about, doing and living in my dreams that I thought I could ever reach it. So, sometimes I just need to take a breath and close my eyes. Seeing what I had been through before this. And open my eyes and say it loud to myself, I can do it.  I know I can do it. I know it better than anyone else. I just need to try more, struggle more, and pray more.  December 16, 2020 Manchester, Aisyah. 

for you  who live apart from your family, how are you today?  Are you feeling these :  you miss the time your little sister annoyed you with her asking about things or boys.  you miss the loud voice of your mom, trying to wake you up you miss the unfunny jokes from your dad, like almost every day you miss everything about your little niece, especially her fat tummy and you miss being around and talking about anything to them It is okay.  I feel the same.  It is fine, that we are not together at the same time and place you will never lose of them At last,  they are your family. And they love you the most.  George Kenyon Hall,  November 30, 2020 6 degrees of Celcius, Aisyah

I am sorry that it was always about me I am sorry for always borrowing your shoulders, but I never lend you mine I am sad that I was not around when you need me the most just like you always did to me. I am sorry that I talked too much so I couldnt listen to you more.  I am sorry for not being a good one Please let me begin again. then I'll do my very best for you. 

you thought it was a nice dream suddenly it turned to be dark it is not others' fault it is just you and your thoughts you seems happy and nice but you are broke and lonely you feels empty and sad this is not a right poem to describe how happy you are  a lot of good news around. it is not them it is just you and the voices in your head it is okay just cry by your own self. let them be happy then you will find yours somehow.  i know it is hard, isnt it?

 --continued from previous post-- Oke jadi dimulailah tahap seleksi beasiswa GPSP dari perusahanku Telkom Indonesia. Hal pertama yang bikin aku cukup gak pede dan stres adalah waktu persiapan yang super sempit. Jadi, dari tanggal rilis nota dinasnya, aku harus menyiapkan proposal studi yang akan disubmit dan dibawa dalam waktu kruang lebih 4 hari apa 3 hari yah lupa. Jadi aku inget weekend itu aku bener bener scroll2 jurusan kampus dan bikin proposal study selama dua hari Sabtu-Minggu. Hari Seninnya, aku harus berangkat ke Bandung untuk tes. Dan aku berangkat ke Bandung bareng sama bebeb Pome sahabatcuuu Step pertama : Bikin proposal Studi  Selama nyusun proposal studi aku agak terburu buru dan gatau mau nulis apa. Ini mirip mirip dengan motivation letter atau personal statement kalau kita mau apply beasiswa atau apply kampus di luar Negeri untuk S2. Bedanya di seleksi Telkom ini dia minta dua halaman dan harus menjelaskan manfaatnya buat Telkom itu apa ketika kita sudah balik...

Assalamualaikum , Hola Blog! So today, I am writing from a comfortable yet quite cold room in George Kenyon Hall, Manchester, England. hehe so excited! Dan yes, kali ini aku akan cerita bagaimana akhirnya aku bisa sampai ke sini.  Jadii sejak dulu, kalau gak salah 3 SMP atau 1 SMA, tahun 2008/2009, aku baca buku Laskar Pelangi dan Sang Pemimpi - Andrea Hirata, takjub ngeliat Ikal dan Arai bisa sampai ke Sorbonne, Prancis padahal mereka berasal dari keluarga yang tidak mampu dan dari pedalaman Belitong. Aku yang saat itu juga sedang berjuang sekolah dengan keadaan finansial pas pasan (well, aku bukan dari keluarga yang tidak mampu sama sekali, tapi juga bukan dari golongan menengah keatas dan ayahku berjuang hari ke hari untuk bisa menyekolahkan aku, kakak, dan adikku karena ayah bukanlah seorang pegawai tetap kantoran seperti bapak bapak pada umumnya. so we lived day by day), seperti mendapat pecutan motivasi untuk terus belajar dan tidak berhenti belajar. Dari buku-buku yang menur...