honestly i have been spending my last 5 years waiting for nothing hoping for something that i wont ever have i have been the most idiotic fool of a person can be now i have realized, i wasted those years expecting something that is not meant to be with me today i change my perspective, my time is running out now i can not waste another year for nothing not for the same person not for the same stupid feeling and for those happiness that actually never existed i should regain my strength and move forward. 

why do you always think about other people when they dont even remember your presence and why do you still love the same person when he even doesnt remember you ever existed God why do you give me this kind of feeling when all I want is just peace in my life will I be this miserable for the rest of my life longing for something i dont own loving for someone i dont get loved please dont let me suffer for the rest of my life, God I think I cant bear this any longer I promise I try harder and better please help me

 i always tell myself that everything is going to be okay but then i doubt it myself as well as i am not doing okay this life is too beautiful to be thrown away but also it is too cruel to be lived in sometimes

No one ever told me that life will be this challenging yet interesting at this age. My current age is always related to the talk of marriage, since i am not in it yet. So people will keep ask the same thing to me, whether i already have someone as my future husband or not, or when will i get married. Which both of these questions I cant answer nor predict the answers. I really miss my previous years of life when people didnt bother to ask me those questions.  At the age of 30, which im about to be 31 soon, nothing that I do is more interesting than my romantic life for others. They will focus on whom i am close with now, or how come I havent got married yet they will ignore all the stories or achievements i got. My mind is somehow absorbed in that thought, when is my time to get married? will I meet someone that will love me ? etc etc.  It is suffocating to be honest. I mean I wish they knew how interested I am in getting married. Nothing in this world that will make me happie...

the stomachache is always here everytime you cross my mind and the pain is real i wonder whether you miss me or even think about me cause i am every day is like a challenge for me to get up and not think about you to stop wondering what you are up to and not curious for your exciting life there i dont mean i want to know everything but i want you to say this just sometimes oh hey bestfriend,  my life has been good, how is yours? sometimes it is so hard to accept that i might no able to talk you freely again and for that thought, my heart races like i get an attack and then again the stomachache and the tears follow... but then i remember this is the best that we can have so i stop crying and try to breathe in and it happens repeatedly,  at least once in two days i think i just miss the talk so much. 

Dearest my best friend,  (oh can i still call you that? ) How is life doing there? I wish nothing but happiness and joy for you and your family. Today i opened my old laptop and found out some precious pictures from our old encounters. And I got surprised on how much I liked you back then that I did backup our texts from years ago. Silly me. Maybe I knew that this kind of time might come to us.  And I read those texts from years ago. They were silly conversations but I liked it. It was a genuine talk about work, work, and work hehehe. However from those texts, I can tell that you were looking out for me all the time, asking me whether I already arrived in the office or not, making sure that I was safely home at night. Back then, I had you as my backup in every meetings, tasks, and many more. Also, It was so funny reading how you used to call me 'kak'.  That friendship was very pure and beautiful and I love that.  You were once my little brother that I adored so much....

hello blog im still in it. i know it is annoying and disgusting. but i keep trying thou. it is getting better and better. I dont feel like im really into it anymore thou. I dont know what people might think of me if they know how bad i am as a person sometimes. But we do mistakes, dont we? I really wanna live in peace. but i guess the time will come soon. Counting the days now, i guess. Then maybe I can be free. hahah or maybe im going to be broken once again. Losing is really hard. However i dont wanna live in this forever. I want my happiness, my truest one. I want to be my old self again.  Once again. People will always judge, wont they? BUT I DONT CARE.  I wish my feeling has been fixed since then and now, but it doesnt really do much progress. But i can handle it better now. I get used to it now. Hopefully everything gets better for me.  God, please protect me from the hurt. It is okay I have You, right? I love you God.