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Finally I realise that not all of the promised can be fulfilled. Some of it should be let go. Because even the nicest person can do the most evil thing. Hoping that you would meet someone perfect is not possible. Everyone can make mistakes and sins. You cant see pure angels in this world. They are all problematic. They are all miserable at some points. So if you ever thought that 'oh this man is perfect' then you are all wrong. No one can be as perfect as angels. 

However, there is always a way out for every problems or mistakes or sins in this world. This world is cruel yes, but God is beyond everything. So if you believe in God and his existence, im sure you will find peace in it. Because you know, that He will always forgive you. And i feel it now. I feel in peace. Although, problems and sins have come shaking my body and broken my bones into pieces, and tore my hearts apart, i am okay now. Because I know, after some time, that God will never leave me. Even after I did a lot of mistakes and repeat them, He is there waiting for me to come back to his arms. 

This needs a lot of courage and contemplation and sorrows to finally be ease with my ownself, to finally believe in His help. Some people might see me in purity and happiness, but my life has never been so pure before. I am sinner, just like all of you. 

Therefore, lets see this problem as one lesson that God gives to us. He wants us to understand that His power is beyond everything and that you cant ever rely on men (or women). They are all just like you. Yet you can always rely on Him. Because He is beyond everything in this world. 

These past months, I cried and regretted what I had done in the past. I also hated myself a lot and even wanted to put it in end sometimes. Because the burden is too much for me. But todau, I feel ease in peace because I am alive. I am not dead, yet. God still protects me and gives me reasons to live. I am so much better. i try to fix myself, the broken pieces in me trying to hold back together, and I am living my live gratefully. 

So now, I dont wanna look back to those times when I couldnt differentiate the right or wrong thing due to love. It wasnt love if it hurts anyone, including me. It wasnt love if it harm ourselves. Then, i hope God will lead me to the true love and happiness afterwards. I really look forward to it. I know He is preparing the better one for me. Maybe not now, or maybe not a man, maybe it is just me and my family and my good friends. And for those, Im already grateful now. 

I hope I am really over it now.