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im back (?)

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 Hey blog, 

it has been a long time that I ignored you a bit. You know what, i started sharing my stories on another platform, Youtube. I wish I could share my stories more widely by doing this; giving more impactful stories, not just the cheesy mellow things.

Anyways, 

I have finished my study in Manchester. Honestly, I am even back in Jakarta now, doing my self-quarantine in a hotel and still try to adjust to the jetlag. But didn't really post anything on my Instagram, where my friends are most likely to see my updates. But I'll tell you the honest stories (and feelings) here, so see, you are still special for me, my dear blog. 

These past three or four weeks were so hard for me. I have been through so many things. I have my dissertation due by the end of August, I had to manage to prepare my 'going home' stuffs, and deal with all the paperwork needed. Covid makes things harder to go home from abroad. Also, I need to manage my worries about how bad my father's health was at the moment. Frankly speaking, it is even harder to manage my mixed feelings about going home. 

I love living in Manchester. Manchester is already a home for me, where I can be myself and just being independent and do whatever I want. Manchester gives me courage and space, to my own self. to show my true feelings, to be brave and to grow, inside and outside. But the hardest part of living apart from your family is, you can not take care of everything from far away. It is harder when you know that your family suffers from many things, and you can do nothing. It was killing me slowly, although I dont know if I can do much when I was home as well. So, I just decided to go home as soon as possible.

I skipped my dream to travel more after i finish my study. Yet, I tried to finish my report as soon as possible, packed everything quickly, and tried to buy gifts for as many people as I could. Although now I kinda realise, that many people just expect me more while I thought I already did my best. I just hope that my study went well and I finished my study with good marks, which I still dont know about it now. I just feel like, I sacrifice my happiness one more time. Although I didn't do much, but actually i feel like I did something and ignored my will, again. 

But it is okay. I did it for my family and for myself. I cant stay apart from them any longer, I need to see them and be part of their sorrows and problems again. I just, I really hope that they can always try to be positive and see brighter sides of every problem. And try to relax and be flexible a bit. I just want them to be grateful for everything that we have for now, and try to do our best in our own parts. 

Although, I also still learn how to be grateful correctly. But I am so grateful for the year passed, for the master study that I had finished, for the health of my family, and for good friends that I had in Manchester or Indonesia. 

I miss my friends in Manchester already. I feel like I left piece of my heart there, knowing that it must be really hard for me to see them again. They are from different countries, yet they were my healers and family when I was there. Weird feelings are always in my heart these days. I change the whole habit and even the whole temperature from being a student who live in a hall and now being a kid in a family and a worker soon to be. 

This year has taught me a lot, in which I learned life lessons more than the lessons I got from classes. I am so grateful that I had this chance to live abroad for a year. And I am so grateful that I can see my family and friends really soon. 

Actually i dont know what I'm saying here. I'm just having the worry that my family may not really need me or my friends may not really miss me. And other negativity sometimes comes and go. BUT DOESN'T MATTER. 

I am here anyway. and i should be ready for everything that may happen to me next. Oh God, please give me strengths and kindness in my heart. Anyways, ill be 28 year old, in a week! thou im still single and dont know if i ever find someone that i love and love me and my family more thou. hahahaha. 


Jakarta, 10 September 2021

Aisyah

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