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suicide in silence

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It is okay. i tried my best. i never mean anything bad to anyone. and I did my very best for you people. I am kind, I pray for bad things to not happen. i know I tried. and I just love them very much. but I know it could be a mistake. and I know today may come, as i tried to fix things, the day when you leave me. leaving me with all the scars left in my heart, with all the pain that cant be healed, with the shame that cant be forgiven. 

but I believe that Allah is forgiving. Allah is loving me as long as i tried to change. and as we always talked before, we will not regret for whatever things we did in the past. we will cherish it as our good memories because we never meant any harm to anyone. and we are grateful for the life that we have. And if you ever read this blog again, one day. you have to know that Im dying here. Losing hopes and good memories, losing my best and again, im dying. i wish i could just leave this world with no pain

But i want to defend myself that I wasnt completely wrong. I never did something wrong intensionally and you also did me wrong. you did a lot of bad things and hurt me much as well. but i still try to understand and fix things. and i still love the way we made our friendship. all I want is your happiness. and you know me so well , so you actually could defend me from others who judge me. but you seem didnt do that as I still defended you in my last chance to talk. I know you are somehow dying too, but lets defend each other and correct our mistakes. dont just blame each other and forget our good times back then. They were good memories and please cherish it until we die. The talks, the promises, the supports, and the prayers, hope everything was sincere and yes I always wish you well and happy with what's yours. 

I feel like losing my life. It is even hard to breath now. but Im trying my best, for my own good sake and for yours. You will be fine and you will live happily, and i sincerely pray for your happiness. but just remember that I am still here. I am trying to keep alive, by my ownself. and you ever promised to always be nice to me and support me. I am now so sad and broken. but Im trying to collect my broken pieces, to continue my life. and if you ever truly care about me, and if you are really sincere to or even loved me back then, just tell me that you are there, for me. Although now we can never just talk or meet again in the future. please let me know, that you are always my friend, no matter what. in good or bad. please let me know, in any ways. and im really leaving the bad ways and let Allah is with me. Wish Him forgives us and leads us to His Jannah. 


21 April 2022

the day when we almost lose everything. but I believe, Allah will soon repay us with more kindness. 

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