dear my future husband kamu dimana sih? kenapa kita belum ketemu-ketemu yaa...

second week and im fine. i guess you are too.  but there is always this hole which wills to be filled in

seolah olah hati baik baik saja matahari bersinar saja seakan akan pikiran tenang tenang saja hujan tetap turun saja sepertinya hidup tidak ada apa apa nafasku ringan terhirup saja ternyata aku tetap ada meski kamu tak lagi disini ada

 being a mom is a 24/7 work, you dont have an option to quit or resign. even though it is really hard and you get really annoyed by your kid. not everyone can do this, especially when they are alone, not with their partners/ spouse. And it is even harder when you are not married, or never planned to be one, but you have to deal being one and feelin guilty all the time.  I just wish that one day, she could understand my struggles too. And she can forgive me for being a good 'mom' for her. I am sorry I yelled a lot. I am a baby myself you know. I am so sorry for her. 

 entah kenapa  dia juga bertahan hanya untuk keuntungannya semata mungkin dia pikir aku tidak tahu atau tidak mengerti aku mengerti hanya saja hatiku masih tidak bisa menolak buatnya, mungkin aku hanya permainan atau pemuas dahaga sementara tapi buatku, dia obat  dan cinta tapi buat apa? semua tidak ada ujungnya yang ada hanya sakit dan ujung yang tidak jelas aku tahu, harusnya aku berhenti tapi kali ini aku tidak menangis aku tidak sedih aku tau aku mencintai yang satu namun mungkin aku harus berhenti karena dia tidak pernah memilihku

 in the mood of, i will find a way to be happy for you and your love. 

 kalau bukan dia,  tolong jangan dibuat jatuh cinta yaAllah

i start writing again, this part of me has been gone for too long. Yet, i dont wanna stop. I am just gonna write whatever crosses my mind right now.  As per today, I did a morning run a bit with a very slow pace, but im so happy. I beat my ownself to not stay in bed and wake up at 12 on Sunday. You know what's funny? I remembered how he told me to run with him and say that we could increase my running pace together. LOL.  Know i realized, it was just probably a dream for now. Idk when I will meet the guy like that who can possibly help me improving myself and let me be the best version of myself. I can not realy on anyone at the moment. So I wake up and practice harder just to prove myself that I can do it with or without him or anyone. Well maybe i still need a PT or a coach, but not a person that I could adore and love while running myself out.  God im really tired. But maybe God wants to test me longer.. 

I have been in a very long time not having experienced a goosebumps reading someone's texts for so long, except from one person that I dont even dare to think about. But this past week was different. There was spark reading these text messages from that person, from him whom I knew randomly, oh yes a stranger enters my life.  I know it is weird and too good to be true. Yet I was excited to see how this one goes and on. I was expecting a lot, not denying it. He answered all the questions exactly like i wanted to hear, and he was like my mirror in many ways. We were both excited, I knew it and I did feel it.  But it was all too good to be true, when two strangers meet and then collide as one in just one moment.  I hope I could choose to accept and continue what we already have... but this feeling lost its sparks once those two pairs of eyes met, and when conversation is on. It is just I am asking to God, why does He test me with something like this.  How could it possi...

 ive been thinking a lot about something that always makes me heal and forget about my problems: TRAVELING hahhaha or you can say GOING FOR TRIPS i love traveling so much and now im distracting my mind by watching travel vlogs i love that i really have a lot of places and countries that i want to go to,  but i dont have enough money yet so im craving to have another side hustle so that i can gain more money to travel, and yes im working on that now.  also im thinking which countries should i travel this year.  ive been thing of new zealand or Europe trip i think i wanna do the second option Europe trip, by myself or with a good company even better,  and im gonna spend a month cause i will have my long annual leaves this year. i wish i could have company by then, so i will have someone to come home to. or even better, someone to go with..

honestly i have been spending my last 5 years waiting for nothing hoping for something that i wont ever have i have been the most idiotic fool of a person can be now i have realized, i wasted those years expecting something that is not meant to be with me today i change my perspective, my time is running out now i can not waste another year for nothing not for the same person not for the same stupid feeling and for those happiness that actually never existed i should regain my strength and move forward. 

why do you always think about other people when they dont even remember your presence and why do you still love the same person when he even doesnt remember you ever existed God why do you give me this kind of feeling when all I want is just peace in my life will I be this miserable for the rest of my life longing for something i dont own loving for someone i dont get loved please dont let me suffer for the rest of my life, God I think I cant bear this any longer I promise I try harder and better please help me

 i always tell myself that everything is going to be okay but then i doubt it myself as well as i am not doing okay this life is too beautiful to be thrown away but also it is too cruel to be lived in sometimes

No one ever told me that life will be this challenging yet interesting at this age. My current age is always related to the talk of marriage, since i am not in it yet. So people will keep ask the same thing to me, whether i already have someone as my future husband or not, or when will i get married. Which both of these questions I cant answer nor predict the answers. I really miss my previous years of life when people didnt bother to ask me those questions.  At the age of 30, which im about to be 31 soon, nothing that I do is more interesting than my romantic life for others. They will focus on whom i am close with now, or how come I havent got married yet they will ignore all the stories or achievements i got. My mind is somehow absorbed in that thought, when is my time to get married? will I meet someone that will love me ? etc etc.  It is suffocating to be honest. I mean I wish they knew how interested I am in getting married. Nothing in this world that will make me happie...

the stomachache is always here everytime you cross my mind and the pain is real i wonder whether you miss me or even think about me cause i am every day is like a challenge for me to get up and not think about you to stop wondering what you are up to and not curious for your exciting life there i dont mean i want to know everything but i want you to say this just sometimes oh hey bestfriend,  my life has been good, how is yours? sometimes it is so hard to accept that i might no able to talk you freely again and for that thought, my heart races like i get an attack and then again the stomachache and the tears follow... but then i remember this is the best that we can have so i stop crying and try to breathe in and it happens repeatedly,  at least once in two days i think i just miss the talk so much. 

Dearest my best friend,  (oh can i still call you that? ) How is life doing there? I wish nothing but happiness and joy for you and your family. Today i opened my old laptop and found out some precious pictures from our old encounters. And I got surprised on how much I liked you back then that I did backup our texts from years ago. Silly me. Maybe I knew that this kind of time might come to us.  And I read those texts from years ago. They were silly conversations but I liked it. It was a genuine talk about work, work, and work hehehe. However from those texts, I can tell that you were looking out for me all the time, asking me whether I already arrived in the office or not, making sure that I was safely home at night. Back then, I had you as my backup in every meetings, tasks, and many more. Also, It was so funny reading how you used to call me 'kak'.  That friendship was very pure and beautiful and I love that.  You were once my little brother that I adored so much....

hello blog im still in it. i know it is annoying and disgusting. but i keep trying thou. it is getting better and better. I dont feel like im really into it anymore thou. I dont know what people might think of me if they know how bad i am as a person sometimes. But we do mistakes, dont we? I really wanna live in peace. but i guess the time will come soon. Counting the days now, i guess. Then maybe I can be free. hahah or maybe im going to be broken once again. Losing is really hard. However i dont wanna live in this forever. I want my happiness, my truest one. I want to be my old self again.  Once again. People will always judge, wont they? BUT I DONT CARE.  I wish my feeling has been fixed since then and now, but it doesnt really do much progress. But i can handle it better now. I get used to it now. Hopefully everything gets better for me.  God, please protect me from the hurt. It is okay I have You, right? I love you God. 

hello blog! been such another long time.  i lost my father last on Jan17th.  I never experienced something like that before.  Heartbreaking but it was more like genuinely letting him go.  cause I know he was suffering. and i know that he was ready.  Dad is the best man that I ever knew in my life. He has so many flaws yet i cant count on his kindness to me. I cant even repay him for all the things that he gave to me.  i wish he could stay longer with me and witnessing me be a good girl for him anyway we fought a lot the last 2 years, because i was getting more grownup.  and i felt like knowing things more than him sometimes.  yet we never really fought,  we are still so close to each other, as he joked around with me he checked on me all the time.  and he was really smart, my discuss partner.  my life saviour cause he was the one who always trusted me to travel to live my life like i want to be he was my best supporter he was my for...

Kadang suka terpikir  kapan ya semua ini berakhir dengan bahagia.  patah hati yang sudah diketahui bertahun tahun lalu, akhirnya terjadi dan ketika diri ini masih berjuang hidup dan melawan rasa sakit   Tuhan kasih lagi rasa sakit lainnya yang luar biasa jauh lebih sakit Lalu Tuhan sertakan rasa sakit itu dengan ingatan-ingatan traumatis dengan seluruh tangis masa lalu yang kembali teringat lalu bersatu dengan air mata dan air keringat baru baru ini setiap hari berjuang menghadapi waktu yang tidak bisa dibeli membagi diri untuk sempurna semuanya sayangnya aku tidak bisa sambil tetap berfikir materi  tidak sempat menata diri dan hati Tuhan tidak izinkan aku berhenti sehari saja berpacu dengan waktu dan masa lalu masa kini terombang ambing tak menentu entah masa depan apa yang sedang Tuhan siapkan untukku masih berdoa dan berusaha percaya  bahwa kebahagiaan itu akan datang nanti dan ini semua akan terlewati perlahan tapi pasti dan aku masih bisa bernafas hari...

aku rasa,  yang paling berat itu adalah ketika hidupnya baik-baik saja tanpa kamu bahkan, mungkin lebih baik.. dia berusaha melupakan kamu, dengan bantuan orang-orang yang menyayangi dia sepenuh hati dia bisa begitu mudah tidak membutuhkanmu karena baginya, kamu hanyalah nomor dua dan selalu ada nomor satu untuknya.  sialnya, bagimu, dia adalah nomor satu dan mungkin satu-satunya yang pernah ada.  sehingga celaka lah hatimu, ketika dia tidak lagi ada disitu yang berat kedua adalah,  dia justru ingin menghapus kasih sayangnya padamu padahal rasa sayang dan disayang itu adalah hak semua orang dan rasa sayang itu tidak pernah salah, sama sekali tidak salah.  karena kalau sayang harusnya jadi memberi kebaikan pada yang disayang, dan ketika rasa sayangnya dihilangkan, maka kebaikannya juga ikut berhenti padahal itu yang membuat kamu dan dia bisa bertahan selama ini kebaikan-kebaikannya, rasa pedulinya, dan rasa sayangnya. dan kamu sungguh tidak pernah meminta lebih d...